Post by sugarsnspice on Mar 25, 2005 11:50:06 GMT -5
A Hopeful Romantic
Concert Queen Pops Fernandez talks about loving now
Me Magazine
Interviewed by Gay Ace Domingo and Jenny Lizares
Pops first entered our hearts by way of our television sets in 1983 as co-host of Penthouse Live with then newcomer Martin Nievera. She has unwittingly become a generation's love icon - as we watched her fall, in friendship, and, ultimately, in love with her co-host, through the joys and sorrows of her married life, as well as through her ultimate transformation into a wiser yet ever hopeful, romantic.
At this stage of life, what is your definition of love? Do you believe in True Love?
That sounds like a question from a slum book! In every stage of your life, the meaning of love changes. When I was young, love was a delicious feeling you get when you're attracted to someone. As you get older, you realize love is really a choice you make rather than just a feeling that overwhelms you. Of course I still believe in true love. But maybe the question for me is if true love can come to you twice, or even thrice in your life. I don't know, for all we know it can happen countless times. When you are in love, you always feel that this must be the one. My advice is that you shouldn't be afraid to experience love --- no matter how many times you encounter it.
If you believe in many true loves in a lifetime, do you believe that true love can die?
What a tricky question! I think that true love doesn't die per se. I believe that love, if it is true, transforms into a different type of love as our needs changes through the years. There's a big difference between young love and grown up love. Young love is fun! It's exciting and you don't really worry about anything! You're not afraid to put yourself in certain situations because you are blinded by your emotions. What makes it more dangerous is that you have the notion that it will last forever. With grown-up love, you have a lot of preliminary questions --- a whole checklist of concerns! (laughs) I guess basically, you must be compatible and have similar lifestyles but beyond that, you just have to jump in again and give the relationship all you've got! Women are kind of mushy when it comes to love. We can fall flat on our faces and swear, "Oh my God! I'm never going to get myself into this situation again!" but when you fall in love....
You forget?
No, not forget. You just describe it differently and insist on believing that things will be different this time. That you must have learned and matured since the last relationship! I mean, if you can have friendships that can last from elementary school and a family that remains close through thick and thin --- why can't this be the case with a love partner? Of course, I do have apprehensions about falling in love as much as wanting to be extra sure that I'm doing things right this time. Maybe the only way to ensure that is to take a relationship a step at a time.
How much do the opinions of your sons influence your actions when it comes to falling in love?
Believe it or not, my kids have been extraordinarily understanding and positive about it. When I ask their opinion, they usually show sensitivity to my feelings. But coming from a broken family myself, I remember what my own needs and wishes were at their age. My sons have been very kind and generous with Martin and myself and have allowed us to decide on our own what is best for us. I think we've been blessed in that way. In fact, I get more of a reaction from my mom than from my kids! Mothers will always be mothers, I guess. But at the end of the day, you have to balance your own needs as an individual against the needs of your children. Eventually, I know the kids will grow up and I will be left on my own. I have to make decisions that will take this into account. That's not being selfish, that's just being honest and fair to yourself. Some women feel they have to be a martyr "for the sake of the kids." But most kids are intelligent enough to see through your actions.You can't pretend to be okay when you're not. Without being told, children usually can sense when there is something wrong. I am not saying that you shouldn't do things for your kids. I'm saying you should put a lot of weight on how you personally feel and think about an issue so that you can fully back that decision. I also believe that you shouldn't keep your children in a box --- limiting their feelings and knowledge of reality. You should openly discuss issues and share your values with them. As parents, we can gauge what they are able to handle at their age. Give it in doses, if they aren't quite that mature yet.
You have the most unusual relationship with your ex. How did you become such good friends in spite of everything?
A lot of my friends find our current relationship weird too. I don't take credit for it! (laughs) I really prayed that we could be civil to each other, that is, without being 'plastic' about it. I prayed that I would be able to forgive and understand him. In fact, we were very civil to each other even during the breakup. It felt so much better to let go of all the anger inside me. Our line of work made it difficult to remain angry. I mean, we were always running into each other! Di ba nakakainis talaga, if you see someone and you feel, "Oh my God, he ruined my day. He absolutely ruined my day!" And you stay angry for several days as you relive the moment over and over. Once I decided to be friends and let go of the past, things became easier for me. When I say, 'let go of the past," I still cry when I remember the sad moments. But I thought that my kids were so good through the whole ordeal that being friends with their father was not going to cost me that much effort! Remember that Martin and I were friends a long time before we were even a loveteam! Really, it was just my pride that was crushed. In the end, it did us all some good.
Was he your first love?
Yes, he was! It was a young kind of love (laughter all around). It was something I never questioned. We did get married at a very young age. Maybe I wasn't prepared for a lot of things. Everything was like a fairy tale --- so fast and so beautiful! I guess when the bad times came, I didn't quite know how to handle it. We are blessed that our families remained close in spite of the separation. They didn't take sides. They knew we were both hurting but would, in the end, come around. We were still invited to the other family's Christmas parties! Love wasn't lost because we were with people who really cared for us.They knew that they weren't part of the breakup.
When did you know it was over?
I think most women, most people in fact, are afraid to face the truth because we are afraid of what people will say about us. I reached my turning point when I decided I didn't want to hurt anymore. Parati na lang masakit. Looking back, I guess I needed to grow up a little bit more. I believe Martin experienced the same feelings. It takes two to stay together and to fall apart. There will always be pain in a breakup, regardless of the front you put up that you have it all together.
And yet, after all that, you're willing to fall in love again?
Why not? Pero yun na nga, marami nang questions! I feel I'm too young not to experience love again. Let's not be hypocritical --- it feels good to fall in love! I can trip but it's still okay because I'm loved! I don't know, maybe it's a female thing. Or maybe it's a human nature thing. Maybe it's all the love stories we see on TV everyday of our lives that makes us hopeless, or hopeful, romantics. Maski crush lang nga eh -- 'di ba nakakakilig na?
Are you in love now?
I'm in love with LIFE now, really! I've had good love relationships in the past and whether they worked out in the end or not, I will always cherish them. Again, it's part of growing up. I'm not dating, not rushing to meet people. I think what really gets me going is the anticipation --- wondering when I am going to fall in love again! In the meantime, I'm excited about enjoying my kids as much as possible. Sometimes I get sentimental and think that in a few years they too will fall in love and have their own lives. If it comes, then it comes. That's why time spent with them, like our Christmas vacation together, is precious.
What do you think is the most important element of grown-up love: honesty, conversation, giving, respect, tenderness, sex or money?
It's really a slum book na ha! Respect.You can fall out of love, but if you respect someone you will tell that person everything about what is really going on. I think more than love, respect is the most important thing in a relationship.
Concert Queen Pops Fernandez talks about loving now
Me Magazine
Interviewed by Gay Ace Domingo and Jenny Lizares
Pops first entered our hearts by way of our television sets in 1983 as co-host of Penthouse Live with then newcomer Martin Nievera. She has unwittingly become a generation's love icon - as we watched her fall, in friendship, and, ultimately, in love with her co-host, through the joys and sorrows of her married life, as well as through her ultimate transformation into a wiser yet ever hopeful, romantic.
At this stage of life, what is your definition of love? Do you believe in True Love?
That sounds like a question from a slum book! In every stage of your life, the meaning of love changes. When I was young, love was a delicious feeling you get when you're attracted to someone. As you get older, you realize love is really a choice you make rather than just a feeling that overwhelms you. Of course I still believe in true love. But maybe the question for me is if true love can come to you twice, or even thrice in your life. I don't know, for all we know it can happen countless times. When you are in love, you always feel that this must be the one. My advice is that you shouldn't be afraid to experience love --- no matter how many times you encounter it.
If you believe in many true loves in a lifetime, do you believe that true love can die?
What a tricky question! I think that true love doesn't die per se. I believe that love, if it is true, transforms into a different type of love as our needs changes through the years. There's a big difference between young love and grown up love. Young love is fun! It's exciting and you don't really worry about anything! You're not afraid to put yourself in certain situations because you are blinded by your emotions. What makes it more dangerous is that you have the notion that it will last forever. With grown-up love, you have a lot of preliminary questions --- a whole checklist of concerns! (laughs) I guess basically, you must be compatible and have similar lifestyles but beyond that, you just have to jump in again and give the relationship all you've got! Women are kind of mushy when it comes to love. We can fall flat on our faces and swear, "Oh my God! I'm never going to get myself into this situation again!" but when you fall in love....
You forget?
No, not forget. You just describe it differently and insist on believing that things will be different this time. That you must have learned and matured since the last relationship! I mean, if you can have friendships that can last from elementary school and a family that remains close through thick and thin --- why can't this be the case with a love partner? Of course, I do have apprehensions about falling in love as much as wanting to be extra sure that I'm doing things right this time. Maybe the only way to ensure that is to take a relationship a step at a time.
How much do the opinions of your sons influence your actions when it comes to falling in love?
Believe it or not, my kids have been extraordinarily understanding and positive about it. When I ask their opinion, they usually show sensitivity to my feelings. But coming from a broken family myself, I remember what my own needs and wishes were at their age. My sons have been very kind and generous with Martin and myself and have allowed us to decide on our own what is best for us. I think we've been blessed in that way. In fact, I get more of a reaction from my mom than from my kids! Mothers will always be mothers, I guess. But at the end of the day, you have to balance your own needs as an individual against the needs of your children. Eventually, I know the kids will grow up and I will be left on my own. I have to make decisions that will take this into account. That's not being selfish, that's just being honest and fair to yourself. Some women feel they have to be a martyr "for the sake of the kids." But most kids are intelligent enough to see through your actions.You can't pretend to be okay when you're not. Without being told, children usually can sense when there is something wrong. I am not saying that you shouldn't do things for your kids. I'm saying you should put a lot of weight on how you personally feel and think about an issue so that you can fully back that decision. I also believe that you shouldn't keep your children in a box --- limiting their feelings and knowledge of reality. You should openly discuss issues and share your values with them. As parents, we can gauge what they are able to handle at their age. Give it in doses, if they aren't quite that mature yet.
You have the most unusual relationship with your ex. How did you become such good friends in spite of everything?
A lot of my friends find our current relationship weird too. I don't take credit for it! (laughs) I really prayed that we could be civil to each other, that is, without being 'plastic' about it. I prayed that I would be able to forgive and understand him. In fact, we were very civil to each other even during the breakup. It felt so much better to let go of all the anger inside me. Our line of work made it difficult to remain angry. I mean, we were always running into each other! Di ba nakakainis talaga, if you see someone and you feel, "Oh my God, he ruined my day. He absolutely ruined my day!" And you stay angry for several days as you relive the moment over and over. Once I decided to be friends and let go of the past, things became easier for me. When I say, 'let go of the past," I still cry when I remember the sad moments. But I thought that my kids were so good through the whole ordeal that being friends with their father was not going to cost me that much effort! Remember that Martin and I were friends a long time before we were even a loveteam! Really, it was just my pride that was crushed. In the end, it did us all some good.
Was he your first love?
Yes, he was! It was a young kind of love (laughter all around). It was something I never questioned. We did get married at a very young age. Maybe I wasn't prepared for a lot of things. Everything was like a fairy tale --- so fast and so beautiful! I guess when the bad times came, I didn't quite know how to handle it. We are blessed that our families remained close in spite of the separation. They didn't take sides. They knew we were both hurting but would, in the end, come around. We were still invited to the other family's Christmas parties! Love wasn't lost because we were with people who really cared for us.They knew that they weren't part of the breakup.
When did you know it was over?
I think most women, most people in fact, are afraid to face the truth because we are afraid of what people will say about us. I reached my turning point when I decided I didn't want to hurt anymore. Parati na lang masakit. Looking back, I guess I needed to grow up a little bit more. I believe Martin experienced the same feelings. It takes two to stay together and to fall apart. There will always be pain in a breakup, regardless of the front you put up that you have it all together.
And yet, after all that, you're willing to fall in love again?
Why not? Pero yun na nga, marami nang questions! I feel I'm too young not to experience love again. Let's not be hypocritical --- it feels good to fall in love! I can trip but it's still okay because I'm loved! I don't know, maybe it's a female thing. Or maybe it's a human nature thing. Maybe it's all the love stories we see on TV everyday of our lives that makes us hopeless, or hopeful, romantics. Maski crush lang nga eh -- 'di ba nakakakilig na?
Are you in love now?
I'm in love with LIFE now, really! I've had good love relationships in the past and whether they worked out in the end or not, I will always cherish them. Again, it's part of growing up. I'm not dating, not rushing to meet people. I think what really gets me going is the anticipation --- wondering when I am going to fall in love again! In the meantime, I'm excited about enjoying my kids as much as possible. Sometimes I get sentimental and think that in a few years they too will fall in love and have their own lives. If it comes, then it comes. That's why time spent with them, like our Christmas vacation together, is precious.
What do you think is the most important element of grown-up love: honesty, conversation, giving, respect, tenderness, sex or money?
It's really a slum book na ha! Respect.You can fall out of love, but if you respect someone you will tell that person everything about what is really going on. I think more than love, respect is the most important thing in a relationship.